Book Excerpt: The Moaning of Loaf by Ade Bozzay

Chapter three

“Come closer big boy” she purred seductively in soft velvety angelic tones that could stiffen the most flaccid of appendages at a 100 yards, and did nothing to disguise the wicked mischievousness of her words. She lay naked on a huge plush circular bed with barely more than a wisp of satin blanket protecting what little modesty she cared to conceal. The bed in turn lay in the centre of a cavernous circular room. The room was adorned with a wild lavishness that is seldom seen outside high class French brothels in movies, but this was no brothel, this was a temple, a temple of love, her temple of love and her method of prayer was sex and she was gagging for a damn good praying.

The walls, or rather single wall, which encompassed the whole room was unbroken by windows, a vivid pink and gold flock wallpaper covered the wall in an apparent seamless splendour which extended from ceiling to floor. The ceiling itself would have made Michael Angelo’s work on the Sistine chapel look like infantile vandalism. It depicted a multitude of chubby cheeked and bare arsed cherubs flitting playfully around a central mural showing several different scenes of the Garden of Eden. Each scene was painted into a segment of the immense circular ceiling. All together there were four segments and where they met in the ceilings centre was a large portrait representation of what was presumably God himself, glaring downwards with a stern expression on his face, looking strangely like Brian Blessed suffering with trapped wind. In the first segment of the mural Adam and Eve were both sat serenely beneath the tree of knowledge, ignorant to their nakedness. Above them in the lush foliage of the tree a serpents head could be seen poking between the branches, peering down on the unsuspecting couple. An image of God gazed upon his creation from the realm of heaven, and was obviously pleased with what he saw judging by the smug look on his holy face. In the next segment of the fresco Adam and Eve were busy doing Gods bidding to “go forth and multiply” and at present were putting great effort in to going forth and multiplying with each other for all they were worth under the tree. God appeared to be well chuffed in this picture, even the serpent had a smile on its face. The next picture showed Adam and Eve, still sweaty from doing God’s work, having a crafty munch on some homemade apple pies and washing it down with home brewed cider while God wasn’t looking. Only God was looking, and he didn’t seem at all pleased, but on the other hand the serpent appeared to be well and truly laughing his tiny serpentine testicles off. The final picture was of God sticking his omnipresent almighty boot right into Adams arse and ousting him straight out of the garden to be followed shortly by Eve and a suitcase full of fig leaves. The snake was absolutely pissing himself by now.

In any other location these images would have probably not been tolerated, but here in this cathedral of carnal pleasure they were right at home. In the borders between each picture hung four elaborately ornate chandeliers cut from the finest crystal that anyone could wish for. When illuminated each individual teardrop of crystal cast a small rainbow somewhere in the room, as a whole the four chandeliers filled the room with seemingly billions of tiny images of refracted light. The whole assemblage of chandeliers and ceiling decoration was suspended by the circular wall which towered up to a mere forty feet overhead. Apart from the flock wallpaper the wall was embellished by all manner of ornamentations, including life sized portraits of well-bred and muscular horses standing majestically amid green pastures, with back ground scenes of hunters and hounds having a jolly wheeze at the expense of a miserable looking fox. Floor to ceiling mirrors surrounded by the most decadent and opulent frames imaginable, some of elaborate gilt roses entwined around climbing brambles, others of hand carved antique wood depicting fearsome native gods or serene ethnic idols. Many mirrors had engraved glass, fancy swirls or scrolls decorating the corners and edges of the reflective surfaces. All categories of aged weaponry from longbows to crossbows, machetes to muskets and spears to swords, all equally dispersed about the wall. Hunting trophies of animal heads from tigers to rhinos and anything in between jutted out haphazardly in various places around the wall, each one looking uniformly despondent at being there. A suit of highly polished armour stood at either side of the rooms’ only door, like two ancient warriors guarding the entrance of a forbidden temple, ready to defend the sanctum with their lives if necessary. An immense tapestry covered a large section of one wall, depicting mysterious and mythical beasts, such as dragons, unicorns, phoenix’s and griffins, all in such splendid colours and richness of detail, that they could all be real.

The room’s floor was covered in a deep lush of pink carpet, as soft as the fur of a kitten, yet as smooth as the baize of a billiard table. The pile was so thick your feet vanished and household pets could easily be lost. At the centre of the room the floor raised slightly to form a circular tier on which stood the bed. The bed was adorned with pink and white satin sheets which shone and glimmered at every movement they made, flowing around the bed like a soft and inviting mist, enveloping everything it touched in a subtle coolness. Huge over stuffed pillows of varying pinks and whites were piled against the pink voluptuous velvet covered semicircular headboard which almost encased one half of the bed. Suspended above the bed was a huge circular canopy containing untold amounts of delicate lace curtains, which could be lowered automatically around the bed to afford its occupants a bit, although not a great deal, of privacy.

The most strikingly beautiful object the room had to offer sat on the bed, the most ravishing muse of a woman you could ever dare to dream of. A woman who could send a man insane with just a smile or plunge you into rapturous orgasms with a single word. She was everything which was pure, all that was beautiful, she was Venus goddess of love personified. Her skin was as smooth as the finest silk, unblemished by time or illness, milky white from top to toe. Her body was well toned, her muscles defined in a way that added to her femininity and beauty. She had long blonde hair, which moved and flowed in the same way that a field of golden corn sways and ripples in a gentle breeze, giving it the appearance of its own life. It hung to her shoulders like finely spun gold thread, framing her face in a bright halo which emphasised her already striking features.

Her eyes were the blue of only the purest and deepest lagoons, a sparkle in each one added to this perception. Her lips were full and luscious, a natural deep pinkness  in them that could never be matched by any lip stick. Behind her lips lay a set of perfectly even pure white teeth. She wore only a gossamer veil of silk that was the bed sheet, which only just succeeded in not being transparent, in to which her ample bust was thrust and was appearing to try to escape. She leaned forwards on the bed, moving onto her hands and knees, her bust swaying gently below her, a playful twinkle in her eyes, eyes which could haunt your dreams and speak volumes in just one glance, and at present they were saying “I want you, and I want you now!” She was looking at the only other living thing in the room. Strangely and unbelievably that living thing was Nobby!

She winked slowly whilst licking her lips and crooked a finger towards him, she pouted her lips in a kissing motion and then licked them again, even more erotically. She whispered his name “Nobby” she purred “my Nobby” she added, then licked her lips again as though saying his name had left a sweet taste on them. She lay back on the bed, arching her back, slightly raising her hips at the same time. “It’s all yours” she moaned in a purely sexual manner “take me now”

Nobby couldn’t believe his luck, here he was in a room bigger than his house, which contained a bed bigger than his front garden, and to top at all there was a blonde bird with massive love jugs who was aching for it and apparently, as far as he could tell, he was it!

He tried to speak, but he found that a lump had developed in his throat, he also had one in his trousers. His knees had turned to jelly and the only coherent thought that ran through his head was “quick, get it while you can” and without any help from Nobby himself his legs began to move towards the bed. At the foot of the bed lay a polar bear skin rug, its white fur in total contrast to the pink of the carpet, it was literally impossible to miss. Nobby was used to the impossible and tended to inevitably achieve it without any effort what so ever. So it’s no surprise that he failed to notice the monstrous thing, complete with snarling mouth and enormous fangs, and subsequently placed his foot straight into its gaping cake hole. His foot became instantly lodged.

Momentarily halted in his progress, Nobby looked downwards to see why his foot had stopped. His eyes followed his leg to his ankle and then to the bears head, his gaze lingered there for a few moments while his mind reviewed the situation, and a millisecond later he was reminded that he had been in this predicament before, only in the dark. Panic registered and Nobby screamed. He attempted to dislodge the bear from his foot by shaking his leg, the action causing the body of the rug to hunch forward.

“Oh shit, it’s going to pounce” thought Nobby hysterically. He began to turn to run, succeeding only in falling on his backside. As Nobby landed on his arse he rolled backwards causing his legs to rise upwards at his momentum. The polar bear rose up with Nobbys’ leg and came free of his foot, and fell onto his chest. Nobby, momentarily stunned from his landing, opened his eyes to come face to face with the beast.

“My throat” thought Nobby “it’s going for my throat” and with a spurt of bravery not common to him, he grabbed the bears head and pushed it away with all his might. Now only being a rug it wasn’t very heavy, so it travelled quite a distance in the direction which it had been thrown and landed on top of one of the suits of armour, which rocked at the impact before toppling over into its companion. All this took place behind Nobby, so he only heard all the crashing, he didn’t stop to look back, and he was on his feet and dashed to the bed before the noise had stopped. He found himself in the arms of the woman, he glanced up at her

“Quick” he said breathlessly “we have to get out of here”. She held him in her arms, his face pressed against her breasts, she looked down at him, a gentle kindness glowing in her eyes. She brought her lips close to his ear

“It’s Ok now Nobby, we’re safe” she whispered “I think you’ve killed it.” she hugged him tighter

“You’re my hero” she added. Although he didn’t particularly want to, he pulled his face from her cleavage and took a quick peek towards the door. The polar bear rug was laid across the fallen suits of armour, a foot and a half of shiny sword protruded upwards from its body.

“Ha, got the bastard!” thought Nobby with a greatly increased sense of bravado, he decided to play it for all it was worth. He looked upwards at the woman who smiled adoringly back at him.

“I only did it to protect you” he said “didn’t have time to say anything, that’s why I screamed, as a warning to you, my S.A.S training took over, you know, lightening sharp reflexes and all that”

“Yes” she said smiling kindly at him, she pulled him even closer to her chest “you’re my big strapping soldier boy, my protector, you killed the big bad wolf” she went on, all the while stroking his hair.

“Huge great bloody bear actually, but it was nothing really, did it all the time in the paras” replied Nobby, ego inflated to bursting point, he was just about to tell her about the imaginary time he wrestled two alligators and knocked out a rampaging silver back gorilla with one punch just for a laugh, when she pushed him away from her. Shocked by her sudden change in tactics he found himself on his back staring it the ceiling. After giving the events a couple of seconds to sink in he was just about to complain when in one swift movement, she straddled his waist and began unbuttoning his shirt, Nobby decided not to complain, this time at least. She lifted his string vest and leant forward, she began to kiss his chest. Once again Nobby found himself staring at the ceiling, this time with a gormless smile on his clock. Surely he had died and gone to porno heaven. After several minutes of chest kissing the woman stopped and sat up, Nobby stared at her, drool running down his cheek from smiling like an idiot. She ran her hands up and down her body seductively,

“I’ve waited all my life for you” she purred softly “and now I have something for you” at this she pulled off the satin sheet she had wrapped around her and threw it to one side. Nobbys’ mouth dropped open, his temperature rose several degrees and he almost popped his cork in his  pants. She was now completely naked, her breasts wobbling just inches from his face, he had never seen anything as beautiful in his entire life, she made the top super models look like pissed stained old bag ladies who sit outside railway stations begging for pennies and reeking of meths.

“I am all yours Nobby, I am your sex toy, use me as you feel fit” she moaned, Nobbys’ mouth was as dry as a nuns crotch, his hands were shaking as he reached forward towards her breasts. He hesitated centimetres away from them and looked at her face, she smiled and nodded at him, and his hand moved forward and touched her left nipple.

She began to scream rape.

Her screams rang in his ears, echoing throughout his skull, he sat bolt upright and tried to push her away, to get from under her. Only she wasn’t there, the circular room wasn’t there, the heroically slained rug wasn’t there, nor the vanquished armour or all the pink trimmings. They had all disappeared, Nobby was alone. He was sat on a simple bed in a simple room and he simply had a little pee with relief. Seconds later he almost shit his self when he suddenly realised that he didn’t have a bloody clue where he was or how he got here. He looked around himself, his head still a little fuzzy and disorientated from his dream or nightmare depending on how you look at it. The sheet of the simple bed was sticking to his body with sweat and urine, he pulled the wet sheet away and dropped it on the floor. Nobby glanced down at his body and was startled to find he was clad in something that alarmingly resembled a hospital gown, the kind that fasten at the back and never actually cover your arse. He turned this information over in his mind and came to the conclusion that he must have had an accident, heaven knows he’s had plenty in the past, only this room bore no resemblance to any hospital room he had seen previously. For one thing it didn’t have any windows and more disturbingly, he realised after a second look round, no door.

He turned round on the bed to see behind himself, surveying all aspects of the room as his eyes darted from corner to corner and floor to ceiling. It was roughly the same size as Nobbys’ own bedroom, but that’s where any similarity ended. There was no wallpaper, no carpet, no curtains, no wardrobe and most importantly no stash of girlie magazines under the bed. This room resembled, for want of a better description, the inside of a gigantic Tupperware box, the smooth surfaces of the walls had no visible joins where corners occurred. The walls, the floor and ceiling all seemed to be fashioned from one single piece of metal that looked like lead, but on inspection felt almost velvety. Basically, and more to the point, Nobby quickly realised he was in what appeared to be a completely sealed box, and that wasn’t a pleasing thought at all.

Even more confused than what was his normal state Nobby rose to his feet and began pacing up and down the room. After a couple of circuits he assessed that apart from the bed there was no other furniture, and more worryingly, he did indeed appeared to be well and truly sealed in, not even as much as an air vent or comical mouse hole. Even with his limited intelligence Nobby guessed that in a sealed room oxygen, or rather lack of it, would soon become a major problem, so he sat back down on the bed and tried to breathe only when necessary. Another thing that was bothering him was that on his grand tour of the room he hadn’t noticed any kind of lighting, all the walls and ceiling were smooth and unbroken by anything that vaguely looked like a bulb, yet the whole room was being brightly illuminated from no discernible source. “Perhaps I’m still dreaming” he thought to himself, after all it did have several nightmarish qualities. He sighed deeply and rubbed his eyes. He stopped rubbing his eyes and stared at his hand for a moment before rubbing his eyes again. After his second rub he opened his eyes slowly and peered around the room. What he saw made him keel over and fall off the bed in shock. Once on the floor Nobby got to his knees and scampered beneath the bed and lay there sweating and panting for a while. Shortly after he felt brave enough too he poked his head from his hidey hole and took another look. “Oh my God” thought Nobby “it can’t be true,

 

“It’s definitely a dream, this can’t be happening”. He pulled himself from under the bed and sat on the floor which was pleasantly warm notwithstanding its metallic look, even despite this warmth his body was shaking, but not from any temperate issues, but in a nervous anticipation, his heart racing as he held up his hand again. He studied it closely, turning it over to examine the other side. Suddenly Nobby began to cry, he wasn’t prone to out bursts of such emotions, but he found that he couldn’t stop himself and considering that no one was around to see him, Nobby cried out aloud.

 

Despite the circumstances, Nobby had never felt as happy in his entire life, now for the first time he could ever remember, he was not wearing his glasses, yet he could see perfectly. Normally without his specially designed glasses he couldn’t see a damn thing, everything blurring into one huge spectrum of varying shapes and colours. He recollected one occasion after misplacing his glasses how he had attempted to make himself a cup of coffee. He had felt his way around the kitchen, squinting at jars and bottle trying to see what they were, he had collected all his ingredients and had put them all together in his cup. He added boiling water from the kettle and hey presto! A lovely steaming hot cup of instant gravy with two spoons of salt and just a dash of salad cream.

 

Nobby wiped the tears from his eyes, he still found it unbelievable, maybe this was a hospital after all, although he still had no idea how he came to be here. The last thing he could remember was walking Rambo in the park, he then vaguely recalled Rambo’s strange disappearance. He considered this for a while and toyed with the idea that perhaps he was going mad, but there again if going mad meant having perfect eyesight he was quite willing to change his name to Napoleon. Nobby also remembered banging his head on the fridge, maybe that has something to do with what’s happening, for all he knew he could still be sparked out on the kitchen floor and this is nothing more than a strange dream. He reached upwards to feel the bump on his head, it wasn’t there, and just to perplex matters further, neither was his hair. He felt again just in case he had somehow missed it, but it was definitely bald. he stood up quickly and looked at the pillow on the bed somehow hoping he had got up so fast his hair had been left behind and would be there waiting for him to return. It wasn’t.

“Brilliant now I look like a prick with ears” he said out loud to no one in particular and funnily enough, some one in particular answered back.

“Don’t worry, it will soon grow back” a voice said. Nobby spun round to see who had spoken, the room was as empty as before. He crouched down and peered under the bed, all clear. He stood up again and viewed the room, again, it was still empty.

“Now I’m hearing things” Nobby said

“No you’re not, Nobby” said the voice. Nobby gazed around the room again, he was still alone, he took a couple of steps backwards until his back reached a wall, he slid down onto his backside, pulled his knees to his chest and wrapped his arms around them. He didn’t like this one bit, an empty room had spoken to him, empty rooms didn’t normally speak to him, in fact nobody normally spoke to him. He sat in silence for several minutes trying to make some sense of the situation, perhaps he really had  gone mad, after all he had been through lately it didn’t seem impossible, it certainly would explain a great deal. Also if he was insane, surely it wouldn’t matter any if he did speak to none existent people, it was better than sitting in silence, sulking. He guessed that he had nothing to lose and decided to speak.

“Er..Hello” he said, not sure if he really wanted a response or not

.”Hello Nobby” came the reply “Is everything alright?” the voice asked

“Yep, I’ve definitely flipped” spoke Nobby to himself and then answered “well seeing as you’ve asked, no I am not alright, thank you very much”

“What appears to be the problem?” asked the voice. Nobby stood up and began pacing the room as he spoke,

“Well to begin with I seemed to be trapped in a sealed box with no obvious oxygen supply or any means of escape, not that I want to escape, oh no not me, I love it here, it’s just in case there’s a fire or something, it would be nice to have a door or a window, anything really, just call me old fashioned but hey, I just love doors and windows. Another thing, I seemed to have lost my glasses, although I don’t appear to require them anymore, it’s just that I had them before I got here and I would like them back if that’s ok, just as a memento, I’m sure you understand, nothing personal. Oh yeah, were the frigg I’m I? I don’t remember how I got here, although I am pretty sure I had a full head of hair when I left home earlier” Nobby paused for a second and rubbed his hand over his head “All I have now is a head full of air, and to top it off nicely I seem to holding a conversation with someone who does not exist, now this may be common place to you, but I’m new here so it’s a little peculiar, in fact on a scale of one to ten, I would give it a peculiarity factor of two hundred”

“There is no need to worry Nobby, the room has its own air supply, and as for everything else, well perhaps it would be better if we were to talk face to face” replied the voice.

“Fine, in that case” said Nobby “could you please bring a first aid kit with you?”

“Yes, certainly” answered the voice “may I enquire why?”

“I have a feeling that you’re going to need it!!” shouted Nobby, at this he stomped

over to the bed and flopped on to it, he was getting weary of the days events, he had grown used to life playing little jokes on him, but today it was seriously taking the piss. He pulled the pillow over his bare bonce, he suddenly felt quite troubled.

Rambo, in contrast to Nobby, was quite enjoying himself, although at first he had been a bit confused when he awoke in a strange environment. He too like Nobby had experienced an odd dream. To begin with he had dreamt that he was in a gigantic fur lined kennel which had a faint odour of aniseed about it. The floor of the kennel was strewn with a multitude of squeaky toys of all descriptions, ranging from smiling postmen to stupid looking cats and various rubber bones of numerous shapes and sizes. The walls of the kennel were bedecked with pictures of lampposts and dead moggies, all tastefully done of course. Towards the rear end of the kennel Rambo spotted a huge padded dog basket, for which emanated the unmistakable aroma of sex. Rambo followed his nose, or rather got dragged along by it, towards the basket, stopping briefly here and there to sniff at particular bits of carpet along the way, but never for long as the alluring scent from the basket seemed to overpower the smell of anything else. He arrived at the basket, the perfume of female dog now stronger than ever, cautiously he stuck his nose over the edge of the basket and filled his lungs with the heady odour of bitch. He looked over the rim and a sudden urge of pure unadulterated lust filled his shabby, flea bitten body. Inside the cushioned basket sat the most beautiful and totally gorgeous French poodle bitch he had ever seen, and she was panting just for him. Rambo wasted no time and after the indispensable rear end sniffing, he jumped aboard the love rodeo and started banging away like a carpenter on whizz. He closed his eyes in ecstasy and began howling the howl of the blessed, “this is the life” he thought “warm kennel and a hot bitch”. Rambo was in heaven or at least he was until he opened his eyes again and found to his horror that his poodle had gone. In its place was the biggest, nastiest looking battle scarred Rottweiler, which was frothing at the mouth. It was growling in obvious displeasure at Rambo’s energetic efforts at playing mister wobbly hides his helmet, especially considering that the Rottweiler was not only very large and extremely ugly, it was also very, extremely male.

Rambo shuddered at the memory, he had been trying not to think about it, but each time he thought about not thinking about it, he thought about it even more. What he needed was something to take his mind off of the dream, some form of distraction.

“Maybe I could find something to chew” he thought, and promptly hopped off the bed to investigate. He strolled around the room, cocking his leg in each corner as he went, but nothing of any chewablity presented itself, so he sat down and had a good scratch instead. His stomach rumbled noisily and Rambo realised that he hadn’t seen anything to eat or drink when he had walked around the room, this wasn’t good. Something had to be done about the problem, he was hungry, so he did the only thing he knew how to do under such circumstances, he began to howl, letting everybody and anybody know he needed feeding.

“And what would you like to eat?” enquired a voice from nowhere. The unexpected interruption startled Rambo slightly and he instantly stopped in midhowl. He sniffed the air and listened intently for another sound, he was a little confused. It wasn’t the fact that even though his senses told him that there was no other presence in the room, yet someone had spoken to him, being a dog he didn’t worry about such things, it was the fact that the voice had spoken like a human and surprisingly Rambo had understood every word. Normally he couldn’t understand what humans were saying, although over the years he had grasped the meaning of a few often spoken phrases, such as “bad dog”, “get down”, “walkies” and “come here you little shit” he didn’t exactly comprehend the meaning behind the words, he had just learnt to react in a certain way to a certain sound like Pavlov’s dogs. But now each word that had been spoken had a meaning. Rambo considered this for a moment or two before barking again.

“Er…I don’t..er ..understand what’s going on” Rambo barked

“What is it that you don’t understand, Rambo?” the voice enquired in a friendly manner which set Rambo at ease, he liked friendly voices even if he couldn’t see its owner.

“Well ..” began Rambo “how come you are speaking like a human, yet everything you say makes sense to me?”

“Oh that” the voice responded “well while you were asleep we fitted you with a universal matrix brainwavelength decoding cyphenator, that is why you can understand me, you will from now on be able to understand anything which is said to you in any language”

“Oh, right…er..thanks” said Rambo “I’m sure it’ll be…er… useful”

“Now you said you were hungry” asked the voice.

“I did?” asked Rambo, lost for a moment “oh, yes I did, didn’t I?”

“Yes you did”

“Well, in that case any chance of some prime steak in gravy and a large bowl of milk?” barked Rambo, his tail wagging in hopeful expectation.

“No problem” came the reply, and several short seconds later a section of flooring opened up, a couple of foot in front of Rambo, and his dinner request rose silently from it.

Three bowls full later Rambo was laying on his side, unable to assume his normal laying down position which was on his stomach due to the fact that it may just explode under the pressure. It had been undoubtedly the finest meal Rambo had ever eaten in his entire life, sure beat the hell out of the reconstituted textured vegetable protein in unnaturally flavoured jellified artificial meat juice which laughingly called itself dog food that Nobby fed him on. He wondered what else he could get while he was here, after all it may not last for ever. Rambo decided to try another request,

” Er …. hello” he barked

“Hello Rambo, can I help you in some way?” answered the cheery sounding voice

“Well, I was just wondering, if it’s not too much trouble that is, just in case I was to get bored or something, would it be possible to have something to play with?”

“I don’t see why not, do you have anything particular in mind?” enquired the voice

“Well if you could see your way clear to a toothless, clawless cat that can’t run very fast I would be quite happy with that”

“NO” was the stern reply

“Oh, why not?” asked Rambo, it had seemed a reasonable request

“Because it would be cruel” said the voice

“Would it?”

“Yes”

“Who to?” puzzled Rambo

“The cat”

“Really?” Rambo was genuinely surprised at this

“Yes!”

“Oh well, in that case forget I asked, it’s just that I’m new here” said Rambo, he was going to leave it at that when a sudden thought occurred to him “Er …. where exactly am I, by the way ?”

“At present” began the voice “you are orbiting the Earth at a distance of approximately six thousand miles aboard the united unions starship, The Traveller, a scientific research vessel on an information gathering expedition in and around your solar system” answered the voice with obvious pride.

“Oh, that’s nice” said Rambo, and with that little matter cleared up he decided to have a bit of a kip.

Nobby sat moodily on the bed, contemplating what seemed to be another unexplainable chain of events, to which he had become embroiled as an unwilling passenger and to which he had no control. He had been sat there for quite some time, brooding away happily to himself, when a sudden faint popping sound behind him caught his attention. He turned just in time to see a section of wall impossibly disappearing into itself to reveal a doorway. Nobby remained on the bed, staring intently at the new doorway, through which a section of corridor could be seen. The corridor was running at a parallel to his room and appeared to be fashioned from the same material that made up the floor, ceiling and walls of this room. He continued to stare at the opening, considering the possibility of venturing out for a look, he was just about to get up when something entered the room and saved him the bother. It floated into the room gracefully and with a total disregard to the laws of gravity, it stopped several feet away from Nobby and hovered there silently. Nobby regarded it closely, weighing up the possibility of it being dangerous. It wasn’t very big, only six or seven inches from top to bottom and it looked for all the world like an oversized electric razor with a small aerial sticking out of its top.

“Please follow me” it said in an electrically synthesized voice usually only found in lifts and annoying children’s toys, Nobby just stared at it in disbelief as it hung there ominously. He found that despite the absurdity of the situation, he wanted to laugh, lord knows he could do with it.

“Please follow me” the razor thing repeated, this time it turned around and as gracefully as it arrived, it departed. Nobby sat still, he felt somewhat like Alice in wonderland, he’d just been spoken to by an electric razor, what next? He wouldn’t be surprised to find himself arguing religion with a microwave oven at some point. He saw the floating shaver reenter the room,

“Please follow me” it intoned and moved back towards the door, this time waiting for Nobby to follow, he didn’t. He remained where he was, keeping his eyes on the floaty razor. The razor waited a further thirty seconds before moving to within six inches of Nobbys’ face.

“Please follow me” it ordered, its tone more impatient than previously

“Can’t you say anything else?” enquired Nobby

“No!” was the short reply

“Oh!” exclaimed Nobby and got off the bed and did as he was told.

Nobby and the floating razor like gadget worked their way along several corridors, each one as uniformly bland as the last. There was no markings, no doors, no windows just long expanses of grey walls and little else to break the monotony of it all. Nobby was surprised not to have seen anyone staggering around the corridors, lost and confused as it would have been easy to wander along the same corridor ten times and not realise it. His guide floated ahead of him, moving silently and steadily turning once or twice down adjacent and equally plain corridors. Nobby plodded behind like an obedient dog, willingly following its master into unknown territory, his mind was a jumble of thoughts darting in and out of his perception. Why was he here, where was here and had he turned the gas off. Nobby was so deep in thought he failed to notice his guide had stopped several feet ahead of him, so subsequently walked into it giving his forehead the second good crack of the day.

“Please wait here” intoned the guide before Nobby could say anything, so he folded his arms and leant back against the wall. The guide about turned and began to head back down the corridor, Nobby pushed himself off the wall and started to follow it, the guide stopped and turned to face Nobby.

“Please wait here” it repeated

“Not bloody likely” said Nobby adamantly

“Please wait here” replied the probe “there is no need to worry” it added

“No, of course not” said Nobby ” I mean, what is there to worry about, I’ve only been led around a labyrinth of featureless corridors and identical passages by a floating electric razor, who then tries to dump me at a dead end and then tells me not to worry, how silly of me to even consider complaining” ranted Nobby as sarcastically as he could.

“I am not an electric razor” said the guide, sounding a little hurt

“Well, you bloody look like one!” snapped Nobby

“I am a mark six ordinance and surveillance probe” said the probe with a touch of pride

“I don’t give a monkeys cheesy bell, you still look like an electric razor”

“Look, there is no need to insult me” said the probe “I am just doing my job”

“No you’re not” replied Nobby “if you were doing your job you would be running up and down somebody’s face removing stubble and buzzing a lot”

“I am warning you to desist from any further abuse, or I will not be held responsible for my actions” threatened the probe

“Oh buzz off, ha ha, get it, buzz off, it’s a joke” laughed Nobby. The probe swung to within an inch of Nobbys’ face,

“I’m warning you, if you persist I’ll …”

“You’ll what?” interrupted Nobby “shave off my eyebrows and defluff my arse?”

“Right that’s it, don’t say I didn’t warn you” at this the probe moved back several feet and tilted forwards so that it’s top faced Nobby. A small opening appeared on the probes top and from it a small metallic tube emerged. It pointed directly at Nobby, who was beginning to suspect that perhaps things had yet again taken a turn for the worse. A high pitched whine could be heard building up from within the probes body, the tip of the tube began to glow red, Nobby closed his eyes tightly, he had a rough idea of what was coming but had no wish to see it. His body tensed, waiting for impact, the whining reached a crescendo, and Nobby took a final deep breath.

“PROBE 6174, what do you think you are doing?” boomed a voice, seemingly from everywhere at once. Nobby quickly opened one eye and peeked at the probe, it was back in its upright position with metallic tube retracted.

“Er .. nothing” the probe said nervously

Don’t lie” boomed the voice “you were about to disintegrate our guest, wasn’t you?”

“Well … just a little bit” answered the probe “but it won’t happen again, honest” it added hopefully.

“That’s right it won’t “said the voice “report to technical lab four to be dismantled”

“Oh, fuck” said the probe and promptly sped off. Once it was out of sight Nobby let out the breath he had been holding.

“Sorry about that Nobby, but some of the probes are having difficulty integrating their new emotions”

“W.. w..what?” spluttered Nobby looking around himself for the source of the voice

“I know, I know, it sounds stupid” said the voice “but some boff in the technical department submitted a thesis on improving the various probes efficiency by giving them feelings. The powers that be thought it would be a good idea, so on a temporary basis all probes now have emotions”

“Oh, smashing” said Nobby for lack of anything else to say

“Not really” returned the voice, mistaking Nobbys’ comment as a valid contribution to the conversation “thing is, personally, I think that they were given too many feelings at one time, so far we have several probes who have fallen in love and wish to get married and raise children, several more have expressed desires to become artist or poets, some will not do anything unless you say pretty please and one committed suicide because the coffee machine never returned its calls”

Nobby had stood in silence while the voice was speaking, but now took the chance to speak himself.

“Er,..Well I am sorry to hear of your problems, but I have a few of my own which I would like putting right, if that’s ok with you?”

“I’m sorry Nobby” said the voice “please step into my office, and we shall endeavour to render the situation” Nobby looked at the blank walls around him,

“Fine” he said “were is it?”

“Just touch the wall to your right” was the reply, Nobby looked at the wall to his right, which was equally as boring as any other he had seen so far. Tentatively he reached out and touched the wall, instantly a tiny hole appeared were his finger had touched, he quickly withdrew his hand. The hole expanded rapidly and within a second it had become a doorway. Nobby wasn’t the slightest bit surprised by it, in fact if his head suddenly sprouted wing, claimed independence from his body and flew away, he wouldn’t have been surprised, not today any way.

Cautiously Nobby entered the door way, poking his head through first for a quick glance before entering fully. The room was in darkness except for a single column of light which illuminated what, to Nobby, looked ominously very much like a dentist’s chair and that alone didn’t inspire him to venture any further. He remain at the door way,

“I’ll just stop here, if that’s alright with you?” said Nobby into the darkness, his voice quavering slightly

“Please don’t be afraid Nobby, we mean you no harm” replied the voice out of the darkness.

“Look” said Nobby “I’m getting fed up talking to myself, you said we were going to talk face to face”

“You wish for me to show myself?” the voice asked

“Yes” answered Nobby, who wasn’t really sure if he did or not. Another column of bright light appeared within the dark room and into it stepped the owner of the voice.

Nobby gave out a small strangulated laugh and collapsed to the floor in a dead faint like a whimsical Victorian lady in a bad melodrama..


The Moaning of Loaf

By Ade Bozzay

Nobby Loaf is an unassuming man, friendless and lonely, apart from his dog, Rambo, who doesn’t like him either. Whisked away from his drab life when he is, for want of a better word, Kidnapped by descendants of dolphins from the future known as the Dolphoids. He is subsequently embroiled in an intergalactic plot which ends up with him destroying the planet earth and facing the wrath of a despotic Emperor who collects planets and claims ownership of earth. From start to finish this story is pure comedy and uses sci-fi as a tool to create scenarios that would otherwise not be possible for Nobby, such as being able to talk to his dog, threatened by death from robots, eating the eggs of six foot chickens etc…

About the Author

Scott Mullins is a freelance writer and digital content manager. When he’s not finding ways to distract himself from writing his novel he writes killer copy for companies all over the world. Connect with Scott on Twitter @ScottMullins86 or LinkedIn. He’s always looking to connect with other writers.